By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
