We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
