so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
