you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
