dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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