you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
