i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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