I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
