her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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