If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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