just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
