It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
people are starting to question the shark bite story
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
