remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
