So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
