I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
