Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
