I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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