Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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