Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
