Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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