Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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