perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
