i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
