Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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