i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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