Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
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most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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