Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
