True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
