someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
