I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
