I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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