i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
