i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
