I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
