Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
