nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When are your genitals available?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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