if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
