i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
