I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
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Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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