I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
