Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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