i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
