Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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