My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
