when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
