You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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