I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this just has baby written all over it
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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