Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
