I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
