i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
