just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
