Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
