im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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