dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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