He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
