meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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