Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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