a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
